Death Eater Bingo
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Just after Voldemort's resurrection, the Death Eaters come up with a way to lift his spirits after Harry Potter escaped from the graveyard. Humor.


**Author's Note:** _Inspired by an outing at Bingo one day wherein I had the thought of, 'what would the Death Eaters do for fun?' Then the idea of this insanity hit me. Hope everyone enjoys. Don't forget to leave a review! Thanks, and happy reading! _

**Death Eater Bingo**

It was a little awkward as they stood in the graveyard staring at the spot that Harry Potter had made his portkey escape. Everyone shifted as the Dark Lord Voldemort continued to scream in complete anger at the whole situation. He had failed to kill Harry Potter twice now. This one was so perfectly planned, not like the last time. Who thought that charging right into someone's home and killing a baby just…wouldn't work? And now, he'd picked an even more macabre setting! A graveyard! A place that was filled with dead bodies! He couldn't even add one more to the graveyard! It should not have been a surprise that their lord was rather…frustrated.

Finally, Voldemort stopped screaming and instead chose to stare at the location of the fourteen-year-old's disappearance. All of the Death Eaters shifted on their feet wondering what would happen next…or who was going to be the first to suffer a Crucio.

Then, Lucius had an idea. He hesitantly approached Voldemort from behind and when he spoke it came out as a croak at first. "My Lord?" Voldemort didn't turn to face him. "May I suggest that this wasn't a complete waste."

At that moment, Voldemort turned to glare at Lucius. "Why would you say that, my slippery friend?"

Lucius tilted his head towards where the body of a young Hufflepuff student had previously lay. "We could consider tonight target practice. After all, you did manage to kill someone today. You were saving the big, dramatic execution of the Potter boy for a better time."

Voldemort looked at Lucius through narrowed eyes, in a moment understanding what Lucius was possibly suggesting. He nodded slowly at him. "Of course I'm saving the death of that filthy boy for a better time! A time when all of my followers are gathered again…" His eyes looked misty for a moment, in fond remembrance. "…when I can bring Bellatrix back to my side." Lucius shuddered. Even though he was related to her through marriage, there was no way in his right mind he would ever be alone in a room with her.

Things were quiet in the graveyard for another few minutes.

"You know, my Lord, we had all planned a little bit of…well, something that was intended to celebrate your rebirth, the death of that Potter boy, and your reclaiming of the dominant figure in the Wizarding World…but…" Lucius trailed off when he saw the look that Voldemort was sending him.

"Be careful, Lucius."

"Now I thought that maybe we could just do it to commemorate your rebirth and your murdering some stupid boy…that just happened to not be Potter."

Everyone else recognized the problem with his statement, but didn't feel like correcting Lucius Malfoy with the exception of Peter Pettigrew, who mumbled quietly, "Actually, _I_ killed that stupid Hufflepuff twit." Neither Voldemort nor Lucius…or anyone else chose to acknowledge that.

"And what is it that you had planned for me, Lucius?" Voldemort practically purred.

Lucius grinned at him. "Well, I thought that we could start with the massive order of food I had purchased for everyone before coming here. I could apparate it here."

Voldemort nodded.

Lucius nodded to Crabbe and Goyle, who returned the gesture. Then, with a flash of black smoke, Lucius Malfoy apparated away from the graveyard. Crabbe and Goyle led the charge of transfiguration throughout the gravestones, transfiguring all kinds of things – gravestones, leaves, bouquets left in front of some stones – into a long table with a single chair behind it, several tables of a similar design to the long one but much smaller. These tables all had two chairs to them. Leaves were placed in front of each chair and twenty-five pebbles next to the leaves. Then, the leaves became sheets of parchment that read "C.U.R.S.E." The pebbles stayed as pebbles. The big leaf on the big table became a strange looking cage that resembled a closed version of a rodent's exercise wheel. The one hundred and forty pebbles piled up next to what used to be a large leaf now became tiny balls that had writing on them.

Just as this process finished, Lucius Malfoy reappeared with a large assortment of familiar take away boxes and a bundle of sticks. Brandishing the stick bundles enthusiastically, Lucius yelled, "Let's eat Chinese!"

"Food!" exclaimed Pettigrew excitedly.

A twisted smile spread over Voldemort's face. He very much enjoyed Chinese food, and was pleased that someone like Lucius remembered that little trait of his. With his newly reclaimed wand, he summoned a pair of chopsticks to himself. "Very good, Lucius." In response, Lucius gestured for Voldemort to sit at the long table with the hundreds of little balls and the cage-like device. The Dark Lord still wasn't quite sure what this whole thing was about.

However, one of the other Death Eaters recognized the items on the other tables. "Oh, it's Curse! I love playing Curse!"

Voldemort looked at Lucius in barely concealed confusion. Lucius touched his wand to his temple and then pulled it away slowly, a silvery thread attached to the wand's tip. "I was dragged to a game recently by my…by Narcissa who insisted that she was able to swindle many, many old ladies out of the prizes. The game was called Bingo. However, she knew that the muggle version of this game would not work out for our world, and so she developed an alternate version of Bingo. She calls it Curse." Voldemort glared at Lucius, probably having heard very little after the word "muggle." Lucius hurriedly continued. "We tested out the game at my manor during this whole Triwizard nonsense, and discovered that – amazingly – all of us enjoyed it. Would you like to know the rules?"

Voldemort nodded, and allowed Lucius to touch the tip of his wand to his pale temple, the silvery memory thread flowing into his bald head. After several minutes, he removed Lucius's memory from his head and transferred it back to the blonde's wand. "I understand there are supposed to be prizes for this game?"

Lucius nodded. "My wife should be along at any moment now with the prizes." Everyone waited for…quite some time. "Any moment now." After another ten minutes of anticipation, there was a snap-sound and then Narcissa appeared, with a small bag.

Voldemort looked at Lucius, clearly disappointed. "Are you serious?"

Narcissa hurried forward. "Oh no, my Lord. I shrunk everything to fit into this bag. Something that Lucius always forgets to do when he travels with things during apparition." Everyone stared at her. She bristled defensively. "Well, I'm not going to reveal what the prizes are until the start of each round."

"How many…rounds…are there?" Voldemort asked, believing there was no way he was going to enjoy this game.

"Well, I have about ten prizes to give away, so at least ten rounds. But since I got the prizes, I can't play." She transfigured a chair next to Voldemort. "I know I'm not as charming to you as my…sister, but deal with it." She realized that she'd just ordered him. "My Lord," she added.

Voldemort sighed and then got comfortable in his chair. "Then, we should get started." All of the Death Eaters gathered hurried to an available seat. He couldn't understand why they all seemed so excited for this. He used his wand to spin the lottery of the balls-with-writing-on-them in their cage, before he summoned one. He looked at the writing on the ball and spoke. "Column U. 'Oppugno.'" He heard a mixture of excited and disappointed mumbling in reaction to what he said. He repeated the process, and as he was about to read off the next one, he remembered they'd skipped a rule. He turned to Narcissa and snapped, "What is the first prize?"

Narcissa hunted through the bag she had on her lap, before pulling an object out and placing it on the table. It was still shrunken. "Brand new, high-quality, high-thread count, luxury Death Eater robes!" Then, with a flourish, she made the object its proper size. All of the Death Eaters murmured excitedly as they stared at the newly revealed prize.

Voldemort even looked appreciatively at the prize. He shook his head to focus and then turned his attention to the writing on the ball. "S. Diffindo!"

"Yes!" someone shouted as they put their pebble on their parchment.

"No!" shouted another when they realized their parchment didn't have that spell.

It was quite a few spells – and balls – later until someone shot up from their chair shouting, "Curse! I have Curse!" Narcissa summoned the marked parchment to her to check the validity of it. She told Voldemort what was marked, and he confirmed them. Narcissa nodded at the Death Eater, who came excitedly charging up to the long table to snatch up his new Death Eater robes, before making his way back to his seat.

"The next prize," Narcissa announced, waiting to say it until just as she enlarged the prize, "A newly captured freed House Elf to take out all of your domestic frustration on!"

The little house elf wearing a clean pillowcase shivered on the table. Narcissa brandished her wand to keep the elf from disappearing or using magic as the game went on.

~X~X~X~X~X~

"E!" shouted Voldemort, holding up another ball. "Crucio!"

All of the Death Eaters ducked in alarm, until they realized that it was part of the game and that their Lord was not actually aiming the torture curse at any of them. Some of them then marked their parchment with their pebbles, while others simply chose to shove more Chinese food into their mouths with their charmed chopsticks to avoid their disappointed grumbling. Everyone wanted this prize, because it was the final one – and it was a combination prize! Everyone stared at it, wondering if just staring at it could possibly increase their odds of winning.

Voldemort was getting into the game by this point. Apparently, the rules – at least the ones that Narcissa Malfoy had been exposed to – decreed that the last grand prize game required a "full card," in which all of their squares had to end up marked in order to win. He had started to tease his Death Eaters when he would levitate the balls to his waiting hand with slower and slower speed, watching them all practically twitch in their excitement. He thought Pettigrew was going to have an accident several times. He would be lying if he told anyone that he wanted the ugly little rotund man to actually win something. If he had won…he knew that Pettigrew would wet himself.

As he smiled at that thought, he looked at the next ball. "S! Oh, I like this one." He realized that the latter of the sentence was a private thought that escaped verbally. "Morsmordre!"

"I'm _so close!_" someone shouted, as they picked up a pebble, getting ready for the winning ball. He stared at Voldemort, as though it had any effect whatsoever on what would be written on the ball.

"Don't you dare!" shouted another. "I'm two away!"

Some of the others chose to simply shut up and stare at their parchment. Others stared hopefully at their Lord. The ones who had practically given up hope decided instead to enjoy what remained of their Chinese food, barely glancing at their parchments.

Voldemort summoned another ball. He stared at it for a long moment. "C…" He then looked at his Death Eaters one by one, drawing out the excitement. "Avada Ke—"

"Oh! _Curse!_" exploded a voice from the assembled tables! "Curse!"

"No!" everyone else who was nearing the win exclaimed or groaned.

The man that had claimed victory was trembling in his seat as his marked parchment was summoned by Narcissa. Her and Voldemort conferred for a longer time than normal. They did have to go through many, many more spells called this time. Finally, Voldemort turned to look at the person who claimed to win. "Come up here and claim your prize."

A huge smile spread on the man's face as he clumsily – in his excitement – got out of his chair and made his way to the large table where the combination prize lay. It was a bound and gagged muggle woman of delicate and petite figure, flowing brown hair, and fiery eyes. Next to her was a rolled piece of parchment, tied by a ribbon from which a tiny gold key dangled. This parchment was a claim to a new Gringotts Vault, which contained a fortune in galleons. It was the best grand prize in the history of grand prizes.

The winner of C.U.R.S.E. picked up the parchment and tucked it away in a pocket. Then, still smiling, the man lifted this bound woman from the table like a nervous groom carrying a bride over the threshold of their new home. "Thank you, my Lord," he said, nodding to Voldemort. "Thank you, Mrs. Malfoy," he added, giving the same gesture to Narcissa.

Without another word he apparated away with his prizes.

Lucius charged up to Voldemort at the table. "I know we phrased it as 'Your own Muggle to Torture,' but do you really think he's up to the task? Wasn't he ridiculed in school?"

Voldemort looked at Lucius with a tilted head. He noticed that behind Lucius all of the other Death Eaters were busy transfiguring their gaming area back to how they found it. "Sometimes those that are ridiculed when children make the best torturers as adults."

Lucius arched an eyebrow at him. "But…him?"

Voldemort shook his head and then looked down. "I suppose you're right, my slippery snake-friend. Knowing Wormtail, he'll end up marrying that girl or something. He wouldn't be able to find a wife otherwise." Narcissa snorted. Lucius nodded. "Of course," Voldemort continued. "If he does, I'll just have to torture him a bit for marrying a muggle. It should be fun, don't you think? I certainly have missed Crucio-ing people." A fond smile appeared on his face. "Life is looking up."

**Notes:** _Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave reviews. Keep in mind, this is a humor fic and complete nonsense, not to be taken seriously. Thanks, again for reading! _


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